EHarmony And Other Online Dating Sites

Recently, I signed up for Eharmony. I signed up for Plenty Of Fish last year but didn’t stay with it. I went back to POF before signing up with eharmony. The main reason for this decision was because the men I was meeting on POF were really only looking for hookups which I’ve no interest in. Some were looking for recreational partners and while there is nothing inherently wrong with that I don’t want to put myself in a position of developing feelings for someone who isn’t on the same page. With any new relationship, there is the risk of not having feelings returned but I see no sense in putting myself in a place where they’re less likely to be returned. Last year I tried OkCupid but found it was primarily for hookups as well(basically men only looking for sex) so I decided on eharmony. I used it once before and didn’t get any matches. Perhaps I didn’t broaden my scope enough. I don’t remember. That was about ten years ago. This time I left it in my country rather than just state.

The downside to eharmony is that most of my matches(and the ones that choose to correspond with me) are at least two hours away which isn’t too bad but most are much farther away. That can be a problem because I’ve no desire for a long distance relationship. Of course, I could meet someone and it could work just fine provided the relationship didn’t pan out for too long a period of time before we make arrangements to live in the same town. I also understand that if I meet someone hundred’s of miles away and we want to make the relationship work that one or both of us may have to move to the other and that person will most likely be me.

Of course, I’m getting ahead of myself here. I’ve just signed up. For now, I’ll focus on the fact that my matches are not in my hometown. When I say hometown, an hour away isn’t a big deal. Even two hours isn’t bad as long as the other person is willing to meet somewhere in between. I travel a lot and love to drive and have the ability to do so. For some people, this will be a big issue. Especially, for those with 9 to 5 jobs and kids. This will hinder them tremendously. The upside to eharmony is they do compatibility matches so you are not wading through the jungle with no direction hoping that whoever you meet will be compatible. Just because you’re matched through an algorithm doesn’t mean that when you meet there will be chemistry and attraction but there is a better chance than doing it on your own.

I was watching a video on youtube from Evan Marc Katz(dating coach) which recommends going on at least one date a week. Your chances of meeting someone for marriage/long term relationship is much better that if you don’t date but a few times a year. I realize now I wasted a lot of time on men that didn’t deserve me and didn’t date nearly enough. If I had met someone ten or fifteen years ago I’m sure I’d be divorced now. I grew up in a dysfunctional home which led to dysfunctional relationships/friendships and now I have to try and undo all of that. And now that I’m nearly 50(I still feel 30, I don’t understand this chronological age thing) it’s a lot harder. Just google women finding love over 50 and the results are dismal so I know I have to be realistic. It’s not going to be as easy as when I was 30.

I can’t stress enough to those women in their 20’s and 30’s that now is the time to start really looking and going on a lot of dates in an effort to find Mr. Right. Even if you don’t want to get married right now if you think one day you will want to have a family then your 20’s is the time to start. By the time you find someone you will be older. As the old saying goes you will probably have to kiss a lot of frogs(you may kiss a few years worth of frogs) before finding the prince. I know many women want to concentrate on careers but finding someone especially as you get older is a full-time job. Besides, I’m of the mindset that you can do both and no one said you have to get into a relationship. In fact, the dating process is about having fun, building your socialization skills, making friends and finding someone for a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there that shouldn’t have been let out of the institution let alone allowed to get into the institution of marriage.

If you grew up in a dysfunctional home, your 20’s is the time to seek counseling. It will be a lot easier to undo the damage at 20 than at 40.

If I could do it over I know I would have spent a lot more time trying to find Mr. Right. The downside is that because my childhood was so dysfunctional followed by dysfunctional relationships that I wouldn’t have been suitable for anyone. Because of this, I lost the opportunity to have children. By the time I met my ex-husband(we were never legally married but lived together for 10 years) at 39 I settled and had long since given up on love. I didn’t know why my relationships didn’t work out. I had no idea what was wrong. It wasn’t until my ex and I went to therapy that she told me that dysfunctional attracts dysfunctional and until I can change that I will never have a healthy romantic relationship. Now I’m working on myself as best I can. My therapist(she’s now retired and I have a new male therapist) told me not to date and stay away from the opposite sex for a minimum of 5 years. I’m not too thrilled with that idea and I know that avoiding dating until I’m 55 or older is also ridiculous. It also sets me up for getting into another bad relationship because I believe long periods of no affection and loneliness lead into these bad experiences.

I’ve decided that I will both. I will work on myself first and meeting someone will be secondary. It could take 5 years to meet the man I’ve wanted my entire life and by then my work will be coming to an end. And I might not meet anyone or I could get into yet another relationship that fails. There’s no way to know what the future holds.

Once again I got way off course from the intended topic of online dating sites. This said it’s too early to say whether I’ll have success or not. So far, I like eharmony better than the others I’ve tried now or in the past. In the past, I’ve used with no success.

Visit my other blogs at 5Ve which is my haunted blog, Haunted Abandoned CarolinasCypress-Willow BlogMy Free Personal Blog and you can read my articles at Hubpages. Peace…..

When A Soulmate Has Already Died

For awhile now I’ve been wondering if it’s possible if my soulmate(the one true person for me) has already died. I found an interesting article Is Your Soulmate Already Dead that seems to think so. It makes sense, for those people that never seem to find happiness and instead a flurry of failed relationships or can’t find love at all.

I’m one of those unfortunate people that, as my aunt put it, couldn’t find a good man if my life depended on it. Whether this is because he died before I met him I can’t say. It’s an idea that I’ve pondered for awhile now. Is it really possible?

In the article the author says if you find yourself repeating relationship situations then there’s a good chance this may be a past life experience. This could be true but there’s a much more plausible explanation and it’s quite simple. You’re repeating dysfunctional relationship patterns and of course they feel familiar. The new person in your life is like the last one that didn’t work out and until you can figure out how to stop attracting dysfunctional and attract someone who’s functional and ready to be in a relationship, you’re going to continue with the same problems over and over again. Unfortunately, it’s isn’t easy to pinpoint your problem areas and sometimes even harder to attract the right kind of person. Once you get into a cycle it’s hard to break. It’s easy to go back to what’s familiar and comfortable. But even when you do change key areas and are ready to meet the right kind of person it can be difficult. Even when you are entirely functional you may still keep meeting the wrong kind. Therapists will tell you, “dysfunctional attracts dysfunctional.” I don’t disagree with this statement. But they will follow with, “it will take 3 to 5 years to fix yourself(as if you’re an automobile) before you should even consider dating. This is what my last therapist told me. And that means 5 years worth of fees for them. Whether you’re actually fixed or even needed fixing is another matter and whether you will actually meet Mr. Right when the therapy ends is an even bigger IF. Of course every therapist is different. My current therapist told me to embrace the instability and distractions were a good time filler. These distractions keep you from thinking about your situation and what it is you actually want. He didn’t say the last part but this is what you’re doing. It keeps you from getting as frustrated as you would otherwise be. The truth is, therapists don’t really know the answer and when all else fails they blame your parents. If the parents are dead this is especially useful. It’s Mom and Dad’s fault you’re failing at love. Continually failing at love is not only heartbreaking, it’s stressful and keeps you from being as healthy as you should be. Statistics say people live longer and healthier when they have companionship. It’s nice to have affection and love but we don’t all find it. It’s like winning the lottery. Some do, some don’t. It’s the love lottery. Sometimes you spend 5 dollars to win one dollar. Those are the failed, dysfunctional relationships and you wish you’d kept your five bucks. After all, you could have bought a latte and saved yourself a mountain of heartache.

I believe people can live just as long and healthy as their married counterparts. It’s all how they handle their situation. It’ can be extremely frustrating to want something that you can’t seem to find. But people that are happy alone have found other things to fill their lives. Distractions that keep them too busy to think about Mr/Ms Right.

There comes a time when you either accept your situation of not meeting the right one and move on or dwell in it. This is more unhealthy than not having a companion.

Accepting that your soulmate is either not out there or more likely died before meeting is to a degree comforting. It doesn’t give you that affection and love you desire and crave. But it can give you peace.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with me. I’m kind, loyal, loving and a good person. There’s absolutely no reason that any man should have rejected me. There’s no reason I should have always attracted addicts, alcoholics and abusers but I do. I don’t even have to speak and I still attract Mr. Wrong. It’s like I have a neon sign attached to my forehead begging the wrong man to beckon. I’m sure I’m not the only woman or man who’s faced this situation. Quite honestly, I believe this to be partly a breakdown in our society. I also think some areas have a higher incidence of crappy men. But mostly it’s society. I also believe the most people who reject an otherwise good candidate doesn’t want a good person. They can put it down to chemistry or whatever they want but they really don’t. And my theory for the reason why is if they accept a good person(one who will be faithful, loyal, loving and there for them) they can no longer be a victim. As long a person only accepts bad relationship candidates(ones who cheat, lie, stab them in the back)  they can continually be a victim. Most people like being victims. They get sympathy. If they accept someone better they won’t get that pity. It sounds crazy but this is the conclusion I’ve come to.

What this means for you. Provided your soulmate is still breathing, is when you meet new people and find out their last relationship ended because of cheating, lying, etc. is to run away. There’s always a chance this could be the one but more than likely it’s going to be another heartache. First, if he/she divulges that he/she was cheated on, lied to, etc. this is good indicator that the cheater still has power over him/her and until that power is vanquished(the first thing about his/her last relationship isn’t he/she cheated) this person will not be ready for a new relationship. This must be resolved. When it is he/she will only say the relationship didn’t work out. This isn’t withstanding that a person can lie but most don’t because they garnish compassion when they talk about their cheating ex spouses. The same goes for all other dysfunctionalities such as addictions, etc.

To wrap up. it may or may not be true that if you’re continually meeting the wrong one that he/she may have died already. If he/she did then there’s the possibility you will meet in the afterlife. This isn’t much of a comfort when you really want someone to put his arms around you but it’s better than the alternative which is to think that there’s simply no one out there for you. Or you may meet in a future life and finally get the love you always craved. The truth is, most people have that special someone out there for them and either you aren’t looking hard enough or they really did die already. It isn’t hard for most people to meet their soulmate. Most people just do but when you don’t there’s a very real possibility that he/she died before you could meet.

I visit alot of cemeteries to take pictures and sometimes I wonder if my soulmate is buried in one of them. This is a very real possibility.

The one good piece of advice I offer is to know that all those people that rejected you are the ones losing out. Not you. They decided for whatever reason they didn’t want someone who would love them and be loyal. They’re stupid. And you don’t want a stupid person. They’d rather have cheaters, liars, addicts, abusers, alcoholics, people that treat them badly, etc. You don’t want this. You are a good person. You deserve love just like everyone else. You’re too good for most people out there. This may seem self centered but being open and loving didn’t work and your soulmate is probably in a graveyard somewhere so it’s a matter what kind of attitude you have.

Visit my other sites at 5VeHaunted Abandoned Carolinas and My Articles…….

Single At 50

First, my apologies for being away so long. It’s been a taxing and busy few months sharing a house with my ex and navigating the new world of living under the same roof but not being together. It was a mutual decision to split although there was alot of pain and drama in the beginning. Now it’s just kind of lonely.

But I’m not here to talk about my new living arrangement. Instead, I want to talk about what it’s like being single in your forties and beyond and what it feels like(from my perspective, of course) on being a never married(legally, that is, because my ex and I considered ourselves married for the years we were together and didn’t need a piece of paper to tell us) single female.

For the past few days I’ve been researching this topic online. Every article is pretty much the same just reworded and regurgitated. Most of the articles tell the women that if they aren’t finding Mr.Right then it’s something they’re doing wrong to drive men away. And sometimes they are. But that can also be the farthest from the truth. Like most things I have a few opinions or rather conclusions I’ve come to in my many years of dating and relationships. It may seem jaded and cynical but I speak entirely from personal experience.

First, I’m intelligent, loving, loyal, attractive, healthy and a good woman and there’s absolutely no reason for any man not to be with me. In fact, I had a male friend point out that he didn’t understand why I’d never gotten married and couldn’t understand the men I’d been with(because I have many good traits). Well, that makes two of us. Let me explain what I’ve learned. My relationships didn’t work out not because there’s something wrong with me, they simply didn’t work. It wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t their fault. The men obviously wanted something I couldn’t give them. I spent years trying to find Mr. Right only to be disappointed. Well meaning advice says, “change yourself,” “be the woman men want.” There’s only one problem with that advice, you must change for every new person you date. That is tiresome and stressful and sooner or later the real you has to come out. When? After the marriage ceremony? Not in the days of same day divorces. There’s nothing wrong with making changes to improve yourself. But do it for you. Not because some advice columnist says to do it to “catch a man.”

After my mother died when I was 37 I decided to let go of the hunting and start living for myself and no one else and determined to be happy without a man even if that meant never finding anyone. Which is a very real possibility. It’s scary to think of hitting very old age(nursing home old age) and never find that one person to spend the rest of your life with and never having kids makes this prospect even scarier. But kids don’t visit their elderly parents anyway.

My mother died when she was only 65. I made a decision that I was going to live life and stop this frantic searching. I don’t know what the future holds. I could die young too. I started traveling and got interested in photography and haunted places and started living for myself. Many people ask if I travel alone. Some don’t understand it. I’m not going to sit around waiting to visit all the places I want to until I find a husband. If I never find it I would miss out on all the great places I’ve been and all those memories and pictures. Yes, I did it alone and I’m glad I did. I had a male friend tell me this isn’t normal. Other women don’t do this. No they don’t because they’re saddled with children and jobs they can’t take with them. And ex-husbands and families. I have none of that. It’s just me. So I can do what I want, when I want. I’m sure some men like my friend find this daunting.

The point here is: Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today because tomorrow is guaranteed to none of us. If you want to travel do it, write a book do it, skydive do it, whatever it is do it. Don’t wait because you’d rather have a partner to do it with. Because in all honesty you may never find a partner and if you don’t then you will have missed out on alot. You may also find you like the freedom of doing things by yourself even more. I did. I decide where I want to go and when with no input from anyone else. Of course, this can be a drawback when married. Getting too used to certain things can be problematic. My male friend found this to be an issue with women he was interested in. By the time a woman is in her forties she’s used to doing things a certain way and isn’t too receptive to change. That was a complaint he had. We talked at length about how hard it is to incorporate two lives into one when you’re older because by 40+ we are set in our ways(as he put it). It’s an old-fashioned term, one my grandmother used frequently and I hated it but to a large degree my friend is right. We’ve already been running our lives for a long time on our own and if we’ve been single a long time we won’t know as much about living with another person. Both people have to learn to live with another and if one person has kids it stands to reason the one without kids is going to be the one compromising the most because parents aren’t going to completely upend their children’s lives. If both have kids it can be especially problematic. Some people are quite flexible while others are not but if kids are involved it’s much harder to be flexible because the parent must think of their child first, always, no exceptions. I’ve never had a relationship with a man with children(not because I mind children) so I can’t really speak on parenting and dating.

The point here is: finding love after 50(even in your forties) is hard and I don’t think I have to tell any woman in her 40’s, 50’s and many younger women this. I hope what you take from this is to live your life like there is no tomorrow. Don’t put off doing the things you want because there is no partner. If there are improvements to be made make them. Make them because it’s good for you not because it will be good for someone else. Not because it will help you find Mr. Right. And above all else, celebrate your strengths, love yourself and know you are a good person and if men don’t want that, it is their loss not yours. And lastly, know that just because a man looks good on paper doesn’t necessarily mean he is as good as it seems. One thing I learned from my last boyfriend(who was seemingly a great guy and he is a good person) was any man who doesn’t want a good woman has issues. And not all good men want good women. This is something that no one is going to tell you. He may say he wants a good woman but the reality is he doesn’t.

With that, happy hunting and good luck!!!

Why Are There No Good Men Left? The Economics Of Sex

As I’ve pondered this issue for over a decade and am still at a loss as to why I haven’t met any truly good men(I take that back, I’ve met a few but it didn’t work out) who want to stick around for marriage and commitment I get a refreshing new look that it all boils down to economics and partly feminism. You can read the articles here: The Economics Of Sex: Why Are There No Good Men Left? and The Pros And Cons Of Feminism.

I can by no means disagree with the author. So the economical structure of society is the reason I and many other women like me have not and probably will not meet a good man for marriage. From this economic standpoint the price of sex, dictated by women, is at an all time low. Sadly, our society has put such a low figure on sex that marriage and family are all but obsolete in a traditional sense. Gone are the days where men had to work for it. Now it’s available like a drive through. So where does this leave women that demand higher standards? Unfortunately, out in the cold. Men don’t have to live up to the caliber they did in our grandmother’s and great grandmother’s day. There’s no incentive to be better men and they don’t have to work for sex. It’s free. If not by one woman, then by another. This all adds up to zero value for marriage and family.

Even in the christian arena where you might think things would be better it is no different. No church or religious group is going to admit it but this is one battle they aren’t going to win. This is partly why they spend such an excessive amount of time talking and preaching on marriage and family. And why many singles get frustrated and feel left out in church. No one talks about the elephant in the room. The lack of good, marriage minded men who want a traditional family. Instead of the modern family made up of baby mama’s and baby daddy’s. Gone are the days of children having two parents that are married and living in the same house.

If I had children I would be very worried about their future. Not only the future of employment, jobs and inflation but family and honor. What does a young woman today do that doesn’t want to follow societal norms?  Her options are going to be far less. If she wants sex she’s going to have to join society and be like every other woman so she gets somewhat of a sex life and maybe if she’s lucky a man might choose to marry her. Women have sufficiently given men all the power. The feminist movement was supposed to empower women and make us more equal. The only thing we’ve succeeded in doing is giving men more power than they had before. This is not to argue that all feminism is bad. I wholeheartedly agree with eliminating injustices in the workplace and under the law. But feminism has been taken to the extreme. Radical feminists pursue stripping away all biology that makes us male and female and any man who refuses to go along with this absurd idea is bashed. But the male bashing doesn’t stop there. Men are bashed for taking advantage of a societal standard that women created. We generated the men we now despise. We fought for total liberation and we got it. Men no longer have to be honorable, respectable or hold jobs. They don’t have to marry or respect the institution. It’s perfectly acceptable to abandon children and have gross disrespect. Women have encouraged this contempt. Some forms of feminism have built an ideological foundation that is anti male.

In terms of marriage and family this has given us a society that no longer value what our forefathers did.

Like most women I didn’t sign up for this. I didn’t sign up for the huge loss of honorable men and wondering like alot of women where the good ones have gone. I didn’t sign up to be single my entire life or choose deliberately not to have a family. It’s just the way it turned out for me and many others like me.

I didn’t sign up for this cold, economical downfall.

Visit my other blogs at Haunted Abandoned CarolinasSassygrrl32-PhotoBlogger5Ve which is my old haunted blog and Life990 which is my old personal blog. You can read my articles at Hubpages. Peace….

When A Man Says Things He Doesn’t Mean When Drunk

This inspiration came from my ex roommate/boyfriend. And partly my ex husband. For the purposes of this post I concentrate primarily on the ex boyfriend. Even though we are still friends(which my therapist thinks is amazing and now I’m asking myself why) he provides writing inspiration and new things to work through. Albeit negative inspiration.

Here are a couple of good articles: Does It Count If He’s Drunk?Do Guys Mean What They Say When They’re Drunk? and It’s NOT A Magical Moment When A Drunk Man Says He Loves You.

Drunk defined, Google search: “affected by alcohol to the extent of losing control of one’s faculties or behavior.”

Most of what he said that has caused emotional turmoil were things said when he was drunk/drinking. So I did a little research on this topic after stumbling into it.

After a bit of research it appears alot of people say things they don’t mean or only half mean when they’ve had alcohol. The reason is spirits change the chemical makeup of the brain. Much of what he said had to do with love, etc. and online messages from other people revealed a similar phenomenon with the women not understanding the men they were with. There shouldn’t be any confusion. It’s all drunk talk. It’s possible that some people do mean some of what they say when drinking but most of it is simply drunk ravings/rantings. You know the old adage, “Crying in your beer”, well it’s true.

I read several messages online from women whose men would tell them they loved them and wanted to be with them when they’d had a few too many but when sober would recant their statements. My ex boyfriend did the same thing. One night after having way too much to drink he told me he was falling in love with me. I didn’t put any stock in it and didn’t respond. I’d heard plenty of drunk talk in the past from my ex husband and dad so this was nothing new to me. Later, for whatever reason, I brought it up. Probably to rub his nose in his drunken stupidity but it didn’t get that far. He became angry right off the bat. And on subsequent occasions when it was it brought up. It wasn’t that I got angry because he didn’t mean it(well maybe a little), the fact he wouldn’t admit it angered me. I felt all he had to do was apologize for saying things that could be hurtful because under other circumstances had I truly believed him I would have been terribly hurt when he essentially took it back. Plus, he did what most drunks do and tried to put it back on me by saying this is just what he did when he’d had too much. He did alot of BSing, according to him. That’s not an excuse for speech that could be misconstrued. It also isn’t acceptable. Whether the receiver believes what is being said isn’t the issue. The issue is the person speaking the untruths and trying to deny saying them.

Often times when people are drinking they “cry in their beer” and think about being lonely and wanting someone. They may not necessarily want who their with but they want someone. Of course in a spirit haze they aren’t clear about their intent and realize when sober they should have kept their mouths shut. Out of fear of losing or hurting the person they’re with they either lie or cover it up. My experience was complete denial.

Whatever the scenario, remember that people who’ve had too much to drink often wallow in self pity and loneliness and act stupid. Over time alcohol shrinks the brain so no surprise here. The problem is alot of what a drunk says doesn’t sound stupid so it can be hard to tell if it’s the truth or a lie or something in between. The best thing is not to believe anything they say when impaired. A problem with this forewarning is once you can’t believe something someone says it’s hard to believe anything he/she says and can severely impact trust. And it’s hard to build a relationship without trust.

My advice is to walk away from anyone who starts saying things he/she won’t say when sober. It doesn’t matter the reason. These people are a waste of time. I’m still friends with two people that fit in this category but I know there will never be a romantic relationship. With one, I had hoped that maybe one day there would be but I know for a variety of reasons and excuses on his part there never will be. In all actuality you should walk away from anyone who makes conflicting statements whether drunk or sober. Their words can’t be trusted and speaks very lowly of their maturity level. A truly mature man will not say stuff he doesn’t mean or take his words back later and most definitely won’t blame someone or something else. He will be a man about it. Mature men own who they are and take responsibility for their actions good or bad. This applies to women as well.

Would you take a man seriously when he utters I love you if he’s been drinking?

Visit my other blogs at Haunted Abandoned CarolinasSassygrrl32-PhotoBlogger5Ve which is my old haunted blog and Life990 which is my old personal blog. You can read my articles at Hubpages. Peace….

Christian Dating Advice For The 21st Century Part 3

In this third installment I talk about just falling into relationships. Here is an article I find helpful: Dating:God’s Best Or All The Rest and a video Principles For Christian Dating. The video offers some really good advice as does the article. The pastor who does this video does a number of videos.

You can read part 1 of this series here. Christian Dating Advice For The 21st Century. You can read part 2 of this series here. Christian Dating Advice For The 21st Century Part 2.

This is something I’ve struggled with for most of my dating life. It’s not that I’ve intentionally fallen into these situations or that I didn’t try to find good christian men on the same level as me, I just didn’t for whatever reason meet the best men. Some were downright bad and others were just not right for me meaning we were on different levels when it came to our belief system. Nonetheless, I ended up in the relationships and they didn’t last. It’s not that these men were necessarily bad men they just didn’t share my beliefs. So instead of getting into a good relationship with a good, God fearing, loving man I got into these less than relationships. Some were verbally abusive, alcoholics, mental issues and some needed a Mommy. This is certainly not the kind of man I should have ever given the time of day to but I did. I don’t regret those relationships however there was alot of time wasted. I don’t mourn that I could have met a good man if I hadn’t been with these men because I now realize there’s something within me that needs to be fixed. I just don’t know exactly what it is or how to fix it. And at close to 50 it’s unlikely that I’ll ever figure out what it is. With alot of therapy I may be able to find out the root cause and repair it so I can one day meet the good, loving man that I so desired when I was in my twenties. But I know my chances dwindle as I get older. The good men are all pretty much taken when a woman gets into her fifties and sixties. This isn’t saying it can”t happen because men start losing their wives to death and disease opening up a new avenue of single men. This wasn’t my idea of finding a husband. Waiting until men lose wives. But love can strike at any age.

I’ve accepted that I doubtfully will meet anyone acceptable. And have chosen to pursue a life of singleness filled with travel, photography and doing the things I want to do. People ask me if I travel alone. Some ask if I don’t have someone to go with me. I don’t have anyone to go with me and if I want to explore new places I must do it on my own. I’m not going to sit around hoping that one day I’ll have someone to share this passion with.

This all said, if you find yourself not meeting the right man or when you do meet a good man that you have chemistry and share similar interests with but he doesn’t ask for a second date then you need to reassess your life, yourself and what it is exactly you want. Could your body language be telling a different story than your words? Once you’ve assessed the whole situation either make necessary changes so you will be more attractive to the man you desire or if you’re at a loss as to why you aren’t attracting the right man then it’s time to seek the guidance of a therapist who may be able to help you uncover what is holding you back from the loving relationship you deserve. Be prepared to devote anywhere from 2 to 5 years in this self discovery. The downside of this time is to shy away from relationships until you’ve truly found out the source of the cause.

Be prepared to accept reality. My last therapist said dysfunctional attracts the same. And this makes sense for me. I grew up in a dysfunctional home without any spiritual guidance as a child. My only guidance came when I was a teenager when I attended a private, christian school. By this time all the damage from my childhood had already been done. Much later in life I realized I probably needed therapy but at the time I couldn’t afford it so it was several more years before I got it. And by this time I’d left my ex husband. Since then therapy has been sporadic.

As for online dating, I’m not really a fan. I’ve used it in the past over the course of several years until I met some men at my church singles group. It’s hard to believe that’s been over ten years. Those men didn’t work out and turned out to be game players. That’s when I learned about church hopping. A man would go to one church for the service but to another to pick up women. Most of the men I met online were liars, married or downright psychotic. I realized I was giving my money away but not getting anything in return. For me it was a waste of time and money. I used which I liked okay as for layout, etc. but didn’t really get any responses there. I used several others as well. What I learned about the online dating experience is that it’s almost a must to lie. If you want responses, that is and they’re not worth your time.

I will go more into the reasons why online dating failed for me in another post.

To close, it’s better if you can meet people offline but if that has failed you then you may be looking at online dating as a solution. It works for some but many others it doesn’t. If you go into it with the attitude of just seeing what it’s about and expecting nothing you will be less dissapointed if you don’t meet anyone. And if you do, good for you. You’ve walloped the statistics.

Visit my other blogs at Haunted Abandoned CarolinasSassygrrl32-PhotoBlogger5Ve for my old haunted blog and Life990 which is my old personal blog. You can read my articles at Hubpages. Peace….

Christian Dating Advice For The 21st Century Part 2

In this second piece I talk a little about the things that keep someone single. You can read Part 1 Here. This too, was inspired after reading some articles. It is 8 PIeces Of Dating Advice That is Keeping Me Single5 Pieces Of Horrible Dating Advice and Stupid Things People Say To Singles.

I’m not sure if the first author is being sarcastic but some of her commenters seem to think so. I read some of the things people say and while I’ve heard some of it the rest of it is the most stupid things I’ve ever heard.

One of the things I used to hear when I was looking for a spouse was the gift of singleness. I heard this often and loud. So much so I started to really believe it. I’m still on the fence on this one but in reality finding someone is hard today. It’s that simple. I have a male friend who totally disagrees with this logic and insists that if there were such a thing as a singleness gift God never would have created Eve for Adam. His viewpoint is very simple, he believes that God didn’t intend for people to live solitary lives without a companion/helper. His view may be correct but finding someone today is very difficult. Let’s not mince words about this. Especially if you have certain standards and expectations that you’re unwilling to compromise which in the long run is a good thing. Because you can live happier single than with the wrong person.

Another piece of lacking wisdom which my friend has also put forth and BTW he’s single(divorced) too is, “you’re not looking hard enough”. That’s another gem that many people put out there. Usually by the married folks or those like my male friend who “are not looking and/or don’t want a relationship.” Don’t you just love it when well meaning people give advice with no idea what it’s actually like and in some cases have no idea what they’re talking about? These armchair counselors give advice on how to work on a brand new Ferrari yet they don’ own one.

People can only give advice as to what worked for them or how they met their spouse and taking into consideration that a few decades may have passed since they got married. Alot has changed in just two decades. Think about 3 or 4.

To some degree I probably didn’t look hard enough. I didn’t date as much as I could have and I certainly was no serial dater that some websites promote. But I did my fair share of dating. I just never met the right man. Maybe if I had dated more I would have met him. But that’s no guarantee. The only guarantee here is possibility of emotional and spiritual pain would have been greater. It takes alot out of a person to go through failed relationships. If it failed, it probably was a good thing in the end but it takes time for a person to recover from a romance and get back out there. And the more of these failed romances one gets under his belt the more cynical we tend to get. This is human nature. And this cynicism can ruin a blossoming relationship. Some people can go through them without it ever really phasing them but others like me find it harder to shake off and move forward. Some just don’t take rejection as well as others. Maybe because of a dysfunctional childhood, bad high school years or any number of other reasons but it exists.

Then there’s the opposite end of the spectrum, “love will find you when you least expect it.” This is another polished gem that well meaning offer up as an explanation for singleness. It may be partly true but in some cases like mine, romance found me with the wrong person and years of failures that can really hurt a person’s self esteem and other advice suggesting you’re going to have to lower your standards. So the things I read online about women finally grabbing whatever’s available is to some degree accurate. Do I regret it? No. It was one of the worst, most dysfunctional relationships I’ve ever had. It was also one of the longest, hardest and was never boring. And would I do it again? I can’t imagine not doing it.

Another good one is, “God’s timing is perfect.” This suggests if you just wait the right one will appear. He/she’s not going to knock on your door. Then again you could date alot and still not meet the right one. I have to be perfectly honest here and am probably going to get lambasted for saying this but God isn’t a very good matchmaker. That was never His role. It is your decision on who you date and marry. You can give God credit if you like but doesn’t mean He’s responsible and in my opinion is a gross overstatement to give God the credit in sending someone. This takes the responsibility out of your hands to task this yourself. Granted, we’re not all good task takers. Some do it better than others and sometimes luck, coincidence and well meant introductions are responsible.

To close, the biggest reason I see for this awful dating advice is that the people around you either hear about and know your desire to meet someone and/or have listened to all the complaints they’re willing to listen to. So out rolls this well meaning but awful advice. This is their way of saying, “shut up, I don’t want to hear it. I have bigger problems. So please stop talking about it.” Unless someone asks if you’re single, don’t volunteer the information. This is why they give this advice. Besides they can see for themselves when you show up to church with no one. I understand sometimes people will ask and pursue the topic even when you’re unwilling to. But you have the option of shutting them down with only a word or two.

Visit my other blogs at Haunted Abandoned CarolinasSassygrrl32-PhotoBlogger5Ve which is my old haunted blog and Life990 which is my old personal blog. You can read my articles at Hubpages. Peace….

Christian Dating Advice For The 21st Century

One might wonder how this crossed my mind in the scope of travel but this is the cool thing about a personal blog, I can write about whatever crosses my mind. You can read Part 2 Here.

Not feeling so well today I opted to do a little reading on my smartphone and came across a couple of very interesting articles. The first When Friends And Romance Mix is a great article about how friends can influence your relationship. There’s one pivotal point not covered here and one in my opinion that is even more important and that is family. I think most people know how good or how bad it can be if family approves or disapproves. If not, let me clarify. Many years ago I was engaged but his family nor mine approved of the relationship and not for reasons you might think. His family wanted someone for him that had parents and grandparents that were college educated with degrees. And if she had siblings they too needed to have a college degree(that wasn’t an issue, I’m an only child) and she had to come from a good family that lived in a nice upscale neighborhood. Essentially, they wanted her parents to be well off. My dad had done very well for us. My Mom was a stay at home Mom doing only minimal outside work instead taking care of the family. This didn’t sit well with my fiance’s mother. She had a full time job outside the home and expected the same for any woman her beloved son was going to marry. My parents disapproved of my fiance from the beginning. Their argument, they didn’t like his job. To make matters worse his brother didn’t like me and my extended family wasn’t fond of him. As you can well imagine the squabbling and fighting soon began and it was bad. My fiance thought I needed to be away from my parents who were possessive and controlling and his parents were the same way. Neither one of us were willing to tell our parents where to go and break contact. It’s hard to break blood ties regardless of how dysfunctional they are. Our parents weren’t the kind of people that allowed limits to be set and they didn’t accept responsibility for their actions. Eventually we broke up. The pressure was too much. But that didn’t end our parents dysfunction. It just translated to someone else.

Another good example: My ex husband and I met a few years ago after my Mom passed and finally parted ways two years ago due to his alcoholism. In this scenario my dad really liked my ex and that heavily influenced me staying as long as I did. My ex was the first man my dad ever approved of and liked. After my dad died my uncle confided that he didn’t like my ex and tried to tell my dad nor did an aunt. My ex once said that while my dad was alive he was the glue that held us together and he was right. Albeit a very dysfunctional relationship because when I got tired of the drinking I’d leave for days at a time. Somewhere deep I thought he’d change.

The point being, that family have an even bigger impact on the relationship than even friends. They’re truly the ones that can make or break it. Whether it’s good or bad. It’s easy to get rid of a negative, overly pessimistic friend who is bringing a good relationship down and if you have such a friend it’s wise to talk to her about the reasons for her dislike. If they’re unfounded tell her you can’t tolerate the negativity and if it persists discontinue the friendship. But make sure her reasons are truly unfounded. If she is a best friend she may see things that other friends might not.

But what do you do when family refuses to accept a good relationship? I have no real good advice for that one. My parents didn’t live long enough for me to have to exercise it. Most men that met my parents ran for the hills as soon as they met. You can tell your family that you won’t tolerate negativity and if it persists you will abolish the relationship. There’s a good chance they won’t listen. The downside is you have to make good on the threat if they refuse to listen. The other downside is if the relationship doesn’t last you could be estranged from your family for years or maybe until they die. This is something you have to tread very lightly with because you don’t want to make the wrong choice. This is a situation where you might want to not only seek pastoral counsel but a private therapist as well. But understand they are fallible. A therapist helped me alot when it came to dealing with my ex husband as well as a roommate. It helped me reign in some of my angry outbursts and hotheadedness to deal with them in a more civilized way. And believe me dealing with my ex husband civilly is close to impossible.

And of course aside from counsel, seek advice from trusted friends, try writing down your thoughts to keep you on track when talking to family and if they try to engage an argument(my mother did this repeatedly especially after her stroke and would go on four hour scream fests) stick to your letter, stay calm and on point and walk away if they refuse to have a courteous conversation. And pray for guidance.

Visit my other blogs at Haunted Abandoned Carolinas, Sassygrrl32-PhotoBlogger5Ve for my old haunted blog and Life990 for my old personal blog. You can read my articles at Hubpages. Peace…..