Recently, I signed up for Eharmony. I signed up for Plenty Of Fish last year but didn’t stay with it. I went back to POF before signing up with eharmony. The main reason for this decision was because the men I was meeting on POF were really only looking for hookups which I’ve no interest in. Some were looking for recreational partners and while there is nothing inherently wrong with that I don’t want to put myself in a position of developing feelings for someone who isn’t on the same page. With any new relationship, there is the risk of not having feelings returned but I see no sense in putting myself in a place where they’re less likely to be returned. Last year I tried OkCupid but found it was primarily for hookups as well(basically men only looking for sex) so I decided on eharmony. I used it once before and didn’t get any matches. Perhaps I didn’t broaden my scope enough. I don’t remember. That was about ten years ago. This time I left it in my country rather than just state.
The downside to eharmony is that most of my matches(and the ones that choose to correspond with me) are at least two hours away which isn’t too bad but most are much farther away. That can be a problem because I’ve no desire for a long distance relationship. Of course, I could meet someone and it could work just fine provided the relationship didn’t pan out for too long a period of time before we make arrangements to live in the same town. I also understand that if I meet someone hundred’s of miles away and we want to make the relationship work that one or both of us may have to move to the other and that person will most likely be me.
Of course, I’m getting ahead of myself here. I’ve just signed up. For now, I’ll focus on the fact that my matches are not in my hometown. When I say hometown, an hour away isn’t a big deal. Even two hours isn’t bad as long as the other person is willing to meet somewhere in between. I travel a lot and love to drive and have the ability to do so. For some people, this will be a big issue. Especially, for those with 9 to 5 jobs and kids. This will hinder them tremendously. The upside to eharmony is they do compatibility matches so you are not wading through the jungle with no direction hoping that whoever you meet will be compatible. Just because you’re matched through an algorithm doesn’t mean that when you meet there will be chemistry and attraction but there is a better chance than doing it on your own.
I was watching a video on youtube from Evan Marc Katz(dating coach) which recommends going on at least one date a week. Your chances of meeting someone for marriage/long term relationship is much better that if you don’t date but a few times a year. I realize now I wasted a lot of time on men that didn’t deserve me and didn’t date nearly enough. If I had met someone ten or fifteen years ago I’m sure I’d be divorced now. I grew up in a dysfunctional home which led to dysfunctional relationships/friendships and now I have to try and undo all of that. And now that I’m nearly 50(I still feel 30, I don’t understand this chronological age thing) it’s a lot harder. Just google women finding love over 50 and the results are dismal so I know I have to be realistic. It’s not going to be as easy as when I was 30.
I can’t stress enough to those women in their 20’s and 30’s that now is the time to start really looking and going on a lot of dates in an effort to find Mr. Right. Even if you don’t want to get married right now if you think one day you will want to have a family then your 20’s is the time to start. By the time you find someone you will be older. As the old saying goes you will probably have to kiss a lot of frogs(you may kiss a few years worth of frogs) before finding the prince. I know many women want to concentrate on careers but finding someone especially as you get older is a full-time job. Besides, I’m of the mindset that you can do both and no one said you have to get into a relationship. In fact, the dating process is about having fun, building your socialization skills, making friends and finding someone for a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there that shouldn’t have been let out of the institution let alone allowed to get into the institution of marriage.
If you grew up in a dysfunctional home, your 20’s is the time to seek counseling. It will be a lot easier to undo the damage at 20 than at 40.
If I could do it over I know I would have spent a lot more time trying to find Mr. Right. The downside is that because my childhood was so dysfunctional followed by dysfunctional relationships that I wouldn’t have been suitable for anyone. Because of this, I lost the opportunity to have children. By the time I met my ex-husband(we were never legally married but lived together for 10 years) at 39 I settled and had long since given up on love. I didn’t know why my relationships didn’t work out. I had no idea what was wrong. It wasn’t until my ex and I went to therapy that she told me that dysfunctional attracts dysfunctional and until I can change that I will never have a healthy romantic relationship. Now I’m working on myself as best I can. My therapist(she’s now retired and I have a new male therapist) told me not to date and stay away from the opposite sex for a minimum of 5 years. I’m not too thrilled with that idea and I know that avoiding dating until I’m 55 or older is also ridiculous. It also sets me up for getting into another bad relationship because I believe long periods of no affection and loneliness lead into these bad experiences.
I’ve decided that I will both. I will work on myself first and meeting someone will be secondary. It could take 5 years to meet the man I’ve wanted my entire life and by then my work will be coming to an end. And I might not meet anyone or I could get into yet another relationship that fails. There’s no way to know what the future holds.
Once again I got way off course from the intended topic of online dating sites. This said it’s too early to say whether I’ll have success or not. So far, I like eharmony better than the others I’ve tried now or in the past. In the past, I’ve used match.com with no success.