In this third installment I talk about just falling into relationships. Here is an article I find helpful: Dating:God’s Best Or All The Rest and a video Principles For Christian Dating. The video offers some really good advice as does the article. The pastor who does this video does a number of videos.
You can read part 1 of this series here. Christian Dating Advice For The 21st Century. You can read part 2 of this series here. Christian Dating Advice For The 21st Century Part 2.
This is something I’ve struggled with for most of my dating life. It’s not that I’ve intentionally fallen into these situations or that I didn’t try to find good christian men on the same level as me, I just didn’t for whatever reason meet the best men. Some were downright bad and others were just not right for me meaning we were on different levels when it came to our belief system. Nonetheless, I ended up in the relationships and they didn’t last. It’s not that these men were necessarily bad men they just didn’t share my beliefs. So instead of getting into a good relationship with a good, God fearing, loving man I got into these less than relationships. Some were verbally abusive, alcoholics, mental issues and some needed a Mommy. This is certainly not the kind of man I should have ever given the time of day to but I did. I don’t regret those relationships however there was alot of time wasted. I don’t mourn that I could have met a good man if I hadn’t been with these men because I now realize there’s something within me that needs to be fixed. I just don’t know exactly what it is or how to fix it. And at close to 50 it’s unlikely that I’ll ever figure out what it is. With alot of therapy I may be able to find out the root cause and repair it so I can one day meet the good, loving man that I so desired when I was in my twenties. But I know my chances dwindle as I get older. The good men are all pretty much taken when a woman gets into her fifties and sixties. This isn’t saying it can”t happen because men start losing their wives to death and disease opening up a new avenue of single men. This wasn’t my idea of finding a husband. Waiting until men lose wives. But love can strike at any age.
I’ve accepted that I doubtfully will meet anyone acceptable. And have chosen to pursue a life of singleness filled with travel, photography and doing the things I want to do. People ask me if I travel alone. Some ask if I don’t have someone to go with me. I don’t have anyone to go with me and if I want to explore new places I must do it on my own. I’m not going to sit around hoping that one day I’ll have someone to share this passion with.
This all said, if you find yourself not meeting the right man or when you do meet a good man that you have chemistry and share similar interests with but he doesn’t ask for a second date then you need to reassess your life, yourself and what it is exactly you want. Could your body language be telling a different story than your words? Once you’ve assessed the whole situation either make necessary changes so you will be more attractive to the man you desire or if you’re at a loss as to why you aren’t attracting the right man then it’s time to seek the guidance of a therapist who may be able to help you uncover what is holding you back from the loving relationship you deserve. Be prepared to devote anywhere from 2 to 5 years in this self discovery. The downside of this time is to shy away from relationships until you’ve truly found out the source of the cause.
Be prepared to accept reality. My last therapist said dysfunctional attracts the same. And this makes sense for me. I grew up in a dysfunctional home without any spiritual guidance as a child. My only guidance came when I was a teenager when I attended a private, christian school. By this time all the damage from my childhood had already been done. Much later in life I realized I probably needed therapy but at the time I couldn’t afford it so it was several more years before I got it. And by this time I’d left my ex husband. Since then therapy has been sporadic.
As for online dating, I’m not really a fan. I’ve used it in the past over the course of several years until I met some men at my church singles group. It’s hard to believe that’s been over ten years. Those men didn’t work out and turned out to be game players. That’s when I learned about church hopping. A man would go to one church for the service but to another to pick up women. Most of the men I met online were liars, married or downright psychotic. I realized I was giving my money away but not getting anything in return. For me it was a waste of time and money. I used match.com which I liked okay as for layout, etc. but didn’t really get any responses there. I used several others as well. What I learned about the online dating experience is that it’s almost a must to lie. If you want responses, that is and they’re not worth your time.
I will go more into the reasons why online dating failed for me in another post.
To close, it’s better if you can meet people offline but if that has failed you then you may be looking at online dating as a solution. It works for some but many others it doesn’t. If you go into it with the attitude of just seeing what it’s about and expecting nothing you will be less dissapointed if you don’t meet anyone. And if you do, good for you. You’ve walloped the statistics.