Christian Dating Advice For The 21st Century Part 2

In this second piece I talk a little about the things that keep someone single. You can read Part 1 Here. This too, was inspired after reading some articles. It is 8 PIeces Of Dating Advice That is Keeping Me Single5 Pieces Of Horrible Dating Advice and Stupid Things People Say To Singles.

I’m not sure if the first author is being sarcastic but some of her commenters seem to think so. I read some of the things people say and while I’ve heard some of it the rest of it is the most stupid things I’ve ever heard.

One of the things I used to hear when I was looking for a spouse was the gift of singleness. I heard this often and loud. So much so I started to really believe it. I’m still on the fence on this one but in reality finding someone is hard today. It’s that simple. I have a male friend who totally disagrees with this logic and insists that if there were such a thing as a singleness gift God never would have created Eve for Adam. His viewpoint is very simple, he believes that God didn’t intend for people to live solitary lives without a companion/helper. His view may be correct but finding someone today is very difficult. Let’s not mince words about this. Especially if you have certain standards and expectations that you’re unwilling to compromise which in the long run is a good thing. Because you can live happier single than with the wrong person.

Another piece of lacking wisdom which my friend has also put forth and BTW he’s single(divorced) too is, “you’re not looking hard enough”. That’s another gem that many people put out there. Usually by the married folks or those like my male friend who “are not looking and/or don’t want a relationship.” Don’t you just love it when well meaning people give advice with no idea what it’s actually like and in some cases have no idea what they’re talking about? These armchair counselors give advice on how to work on a brand new Ferrari yet they don’ own one.

People can only give advice as to what worked for them or how they met their spouse and taking into consideration that a few decades may have passed since they got married. Alot has changed in just two decades. Think about 3 or 4.

To some degree I probably didn’t look hard enough. I didn’t date as much as I could have and I certainly was no serial dater that some websites promote. But I did my fair share of dating. I just never met the right man. Maybe if I had dated more I would have met him. But that’s no guarantee. The only guarantee here is possibility of emotional and spiritual pain would have been greater. It takes alot out of a person to go through failed relationships. If it failed, it probably was a good thing in the end but it takes time for a person to recover from a romance and get back out there. And the more of these failed romances one gets under his belt the more cynical we tend to get. This is human nature. And this cynicism can ruin a blossoming relationship. Some people can go through them without it ever really phasing them but others like me find it harder to shake off and move forward. Some just don’t take rejection as well as others. Maybe because of a dysfunctional childhood, bad high school years or any number of other reasons but it exists.

Then there’s the opposite end of the spectrum, “love will find you when you least expect it.” This is another polished gem that well meaning offer up as an explanation for singleness. It may be partly true but in some cases like mine, romance found me with the wrong person and years of failures that can really hurt a person’s self esteem and other advice suggesting you’re going to have to lower your standards. So the things I read online about women finally grabbing whatever’s available is to some degree accurate. Do I regret it? No. It was one of the worst, most dysfunctional relationships I’ve ever had. It was also one of the longest, hardest and was never boring. And would I do it again? I can’t imagine not doing it.

Another good one is, “God’s timing is perfect.” This suggests if you just wait the right one will appear. He/she’s not going to knock on your door. Then again you could date alot and still not meet the right one. I have to be perfectly honest here and am probably going to get lambasted for saying this but God isn’t a very good matchmaker. That was never His role. It is your decision on who you date and marry. You can give God credit if you like but doesn’t mean He’s responsible and in my opinion is a gross overstatement to give God the credit in sending someone. This takes the responsibility out of your hands to task this yourself. Granted, we’re not all good task takers. Some do it better than others and sometimes luck, coincidence and well meant introductions are responsible.

To close, the biggest reason I see for this awful dating advice is that the people around you either hear about and know your desire to meet someone and/or have listened to all the complaints they’re willing to listen to. So out rolls this well meaning but awful advice. This is their way of saying, “shut up, I don’t want to hear it. I have bigger problems. So please stop talking about it.” Unless someone asks if you’re single, don’t volunteer the information. This is why they give this advice. Besides they can see for themselves when you show up to church with no one. I understand sometimes people will ask and pursue the topic even when you’re unwilling to. But you have the option of shutting them down with only a word or two.

Visit my other blogs at Haunted Abandoned CarolinasSassygrrl32-PhotoBlogger5Ve which is my old haunted blog and Life990 which is my old personal blog. You can read my articles at Hubpages. Peace….

Christian Dating Advice For The 21st Century

One might wonder how this crossed my mind in the scope of travel but this is the cool thing about a personal blog, I can write about whatever crosses my mind. You can read Part 2 Here.

Not feeling so well today I opted to do a little reading on my smartphone and came across a couple of very interesting articles. The first When Friends And Romance Mix is a great article about how friends can influence your relationship. There’s one pivotal point not covered here and one in my opinion that is even more important and that is family. I think most people know how good or how bad it can be if family approves or disapproves. If not, let me clarify. Many years ago I was engaged but his family nor mine approved of the relationship and not for reasons you might think. His family wanted someone for him that had parents and grandparents that were college educated with degrees. And if she had siblings they too needed to have a college degree(that wasn’t an issue, I’m an only child) and she had to come from a good family that lived in a nice upscale neighborhood. Essentially, they wanted her parents to be well off. My dad had done very well for us. My Mom was a stay at home Mom doing only minimal outside work instead taking care of the family. This didn’t sit well with my fiance’s mother. She had a full time job outside the home and expected the same for any woman her beloved son was going to marry. My parents disapproved of my fiance from the beginning. Their argument, they didn’t like his job. To make matters worse his brother didn’t like me and my extended family wasn’t fond of him. As you can well imagine the squabbling and fighting soon began and it was bad. My fiance thought I needed to be away from my parents who were possessive and controlling and his parents were the same way. Neither one of us were willing to tell our parents where to go and break contact. It’s hard to break blood ties regardless of how dysfunctional they are. Our parents weren’t the kind of people that allowed limits to be set and they didn’t accept responsibility for their actions. Eventually we broke up. The pressure was too much. But that didn’t end our parents dysfunction. It just translated to someone else.

Another good example: My ex husband and I met a few years ago after my Mom passed and finally parted ways two years ago due to his alcoholism. In this scenario my dad really liked my ex and that heavily influenced me staying as long as I did. My ex was the first man my dad ever approved of and liked. After my dad died my uncle confided that he didn’t like my ex and tried to tell my dad nor did an aunt. My ex once said that while my dad was alive he was the glue that held us together and he was right. Albeit a very dysfunctional relationship because when I got tired of the drinking I’d leave for days at a time. Somewhere deep I thought he’d change.

The point being, that family have an even bigger impact on the relationship than even friends. They’re truly the ones that can make or break it. Whether it’s good or bad. It’s easy to get rid of a negative, overly pessimistic friend who is bringing a good relationship down and if you have such a friend it’s wise to talk to her about the reasons for her dislike. If they’re unfounded tell her you can’t tolerate the negativity and if it persists discontinue the friendship. But make sure her reasons are truly unfounded. If she is a best friend she may see things that other friends might not.

But what do you do when family refuses to accept a good relationship? I have no real good advice for that one. My parents didn’t live long enough for me to have to exercise it. Most men that met my parents ran for the hills as soon as they met. You can tell your family that you won’t tolerate negativity and if it persists you will abolish the relationship. There’s a good chance they won’t listen. The downside is you have to make good on the threat if they refuse to listen. The other downside is if the relationship doesn’t last you could be estranged from your family for years or maybe until they die. This is something you have to tread very lightly with because you don’t want to make the wrong choice. This is a situation where you might want to not only seek pastoral counsel but a private therapist as well. But understand they are fallible. A therapist helped me alot when it came to dealing with my ex husband as well as a roommate. It helped me reign in some of my angry outbursts and hotheadedness to deal with them in a more civilized way. And believe me dealing with my ex husband civilly is close to impossible.

And of course aside from counsel, seek advice from trusted friends, try writing down your thoughts to keep you on track when talking to family and if they try to engage an argument(my mother did this repeatedly especially after her stroke and would go on four hour scream fests) stick to your letter, stay calm and on point and walk away if they refuse to have a courteous conversation. And pray for guidance.

Visit my other blogs at Haunted Abandoned Carolinas, Sassygrrl32-PhotoBlogger5Ve for my old haunted blog and Life990 for my old personal blog. You can read my articles at Hubpages. Peace…..